First, I am a Christian, evangelical, who loves Jesus. I STAND on the word of God and I shall not keep silent until He takes me Home. I love America. My ancestor and his sons, fought in the Revolutionary War, and along with all who fought, were instrumental, leading the way for our Founding Fathers, to implement our Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. I am very proud of that fact in my history, and am a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution, and past officer and Past State Chairman of Women’s Issues.
I am a retired woman, who is in her mid 70’s…and one who prays fervently for peace around the world, but, also peace in America and Israel. I have three living children now in their 50’s and 2 that predeceased me, one my first baby at 3 mos old in 1958, and my 19 year old son, in 1999, who broke my heart in two. I have 8 grandchildren and 5 great grandchildren, two in VA, who I never see being in another state and away from me, the other 3 of my oldest son.
Younger, I was divorced, and went through abuse in my 20’s, later, was a single mom for 28 years. I know what a woman’s struggle is all about, and I know how to work hard and to study. There were times I held sometimes two jobs at a time and went to college, both full time and nights, to get good jobs and raise my children. No one said this journey in life was going to be easy. What I write, is most certainly, what I’ve seen, studied, lived, or struggled with. I know historical truths, and I know what my Bible says, and that is how I live. Having been talked into divorcing my high school sweetheart, after 2 girls, & losing my baby at 3 months, I know too, God’s justice and retribution. For I hurt him deeply and even having 2 more marriages himself, he never had anymore children. There is a price to pay for our decisions. I never should have divorced him. I paid with all the abuse in my 2nd marriage. It was not God’s will. Now, I’m still paying, with the son of that marriage, who hates, and is the only one of my children who is not saved. He too, went through abuse with his father. I continue to pray for him, and forgive and love him.
I was married the 2nd time to my “Greek God”, who beat me, punched me in the breasts, and even threw me out of a car 5 mos. pregnant, laying in an alley in Nov. 1962 with a broken leg on a cold rainy night. (My arthritis now). I did love him though, and stayed with him for 8 years until I had his girl friend on my doorstep in March 1969, when my 3 children were asleep upstairs. He would not leave her, and I filed for divorce the 2nd time. I stayed unmarried as a single mom for 10 years, meeting my youngest deceased son’s father in FL. But, I never knew he was Bi-polar Disorder, and he only stayed for 2 years. When my son was 2 Bill, just up and left with the clothes on his back in a panic attack to parts unknown. I was then facing my last divorce. I never knew then that this son would carry the same Bi-polar gene. I thank my Jesus every day of my life, that my son BJ, was saved before completing suicide in 1999. (saved 8/2/91). Thank you Jesus, for I know where he is.
By October 1982, my Dad who I loved so much died too in FL. Here I was at 43 with a toddler, stuck in Probate which would be for 2 years, and then in NH too. My father too, it seems made huge mistakes, and on so much medication, heart and blood thinners, had held the mortgage (foolishly) to the house he sold in NH. The young man who bought the house, sold it again out from under the next month, when we were in Fl. Illegally, but somehow with legal channels, my Dad never got paid off. Whereby, there in essence was no real inheritance. By that time, I had no place else to go, and I fell on my knees, asking Jesus in my heart and life. For I knew that I knew, I could not continue without him. After 3 failed marriages, abuse, hurt and pain, I was saved in August 1982. Back in NH, only knowing FL gospel TV, a friend took me to a Jimmy Swaggart meeting in Portland, Maine. I had hands lain on me and prayer, and my heart was forever with Jesus, as my Lord and Savior.
The Lord put us in then, Faith Christian Center in 1984. My son attended the Christian academy then until 11 years old. He got saved after my evangelism classes. Thank you Jesus, for what was to come, I was totally unprepared for. By puberty his Bi-polar hit. and my BJ was Mis-diagnosed ADD. I knew that I knew, having several friends who went through their children with this illness, that something else was going on. I even saw my young teen son, put in a straight jacket at a teen mental health hospital that no longer exists. What I saw later through courts, with these young teens cutting themselves, sick, would never leave me. Finally he was put in a residential treatment center in Danvers, MA. We had a Christian psychologist whom I loved, and I saw good positive signs. A psychiatrist was on staff once a week. I fought for my son, for when they wanted to discharge him after 16 months, I said, “Not without a psychiatric CORRECT diagnosis, or I sue.” We got it…:Affective Bi-polar Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Dysthymic Disorder. He was given a prescription for Effexor for depression and Depakote for the mood swings…and by the time he was 18, he stayed with friends and worked….The troubles continued, the aggression worsened, as well as depressions. Then my devastation came when his his body was found in 1999.
After his funeral, I was broken totally. The other links on the bar here cover, both abuse and Bi-polar. It too was the last time I saw my oldest living son from my 2nd abusive marriage. In essence, I’ve lost two sons. The ironic thing, out of all this, was I heard from my BJ’s half brother in Denmark, who is on my Facebook. He tried for many years, to find his father, to then find out he had died in FL, and he also had a half brother who was dead too. I shared as much as I could with Michael, who as a baby was deserted too, just like my BJ and I. I sent him most of BJ’s photos. I had a lot of forgiving to do, including my son who committed this horrific act.
Through the years since my salvation, I’ve had to go back in my life, and forgive those who hurt me, even the adulteress, who broke up my abusive 2nd marriage. I wrote her in AZ after my ex died in 2011. The Bible says that adultery puts a curse on the children. Well, I rebuke that in Jesus name. My 2 daughters are saved, and my BJ was, so I only trust the love and grace of my Lord Jesus and HIS promise, that my oldest son too, will come to the Lord. It may not be in my lifetime, or through me, however, I pray that one day, someone will be put in his life to bring him to the only one that can wipe away all the pain and beatings, of an abusive father, and his hates.
I am an artist in oils, and a writer. For I hope what I’ve learned and what I’ve gone through can help others in this long path, called life. You may not like me, and may disagree with me, but, in this land of free speech, I’m entitled as you, to my opinion. And I loved jazz growing up. How I loved Ella. Love me or hate me, I am who I am. I Corinthians. You see, I had a lot of love too, in my life, and joy. My house growing up was filled with music, classical and then the jazz I gravitated to. (A tribute too to this music that enveloped me on the bar too). Throughout all the pain in my life, I’ve had happiness and joy as well. I loved hard, and was loved. I was the apple of my Father’s eye when I was young. I had a wonderful upbringing that grounded me and prepared me later for what was to come. I loved my Aunt Ima too, who was my father’s sister. She got me in the DAR later. She never married, and I got my artistic talents from her as well as writing. She wrote as most women did in the 40’s under a pen name of Nina Gorden and was published writing poetry and lyrics to sheet music. She also knew Jesus as my mom. However, that happy long marriage I dreamed of and so wanted, was never meant to be. And as Ima became my model, I thought, “All right Lord, if that’s how you want it…so be it.” I was only married 13 years total in 3 marriages and 40 years without a husband, 28 years a single mom. Wow! How did I do it? Jesus! I could not have got this far without Him.
I am also a history buff, and used to love in college the study of Ancient Civilization. Since being saved in 1982, I then became drawn to end time prophesy, which ties together with ancient civ and our current news around the world. I find it fascinating to say the least. Wherefore, on this blog site, I have voiced my views, studies and sometimes my opinions as well as others I may quote. I believe in my Lord, and I believe in America, that has been so misunderstood in the Arab world. I strive for truths and hopefully a peace in this world to prolong the inevitable, and that of the fulfilling of end time prophesy. We are at that point now, and it is serious to me. Wherefore, I ask for dignity in any comments you may leave on this site.
I always had art talent, even young making paper dolls. My dad encouraged, and bought me my first easel and oils when I was 16. I took art lessons through the mail, went into pen and ink drawings, struggling early to paint, later majoring in art education in college. It served me well through the years, as not just a hobby, but, to leave my children a legacy of memories through my oils.
I started working when I was only 15 1/2 in an old Woolworth store here in the candy counter. I took typing in high school and went to a local college Saturdays, and nights during my senior year, while STILL working. I was a clothes horse as they say, and bought every stitch of clothes myself all through my high school years. What I did very young, prepared me for the inevitable divorces and having to earn myself a living, and support my children.
After my divorce the 2nd time in 1969, I started from the bottom up and I had a goal and a plan. I went to college nights, as I was fortunate enough to have help from my mother babysitting. But I clawed and struggled as a single mom. Little by little, I worked in some good jobs, both professional and nonprofits. I worked at the State of NH Legislative Services, Easter Seal, and a few insurance companies, as well as the Dunfey Corporation Hotel chain in both NH and the Royal Coach in Houston TX. I worked hard. I was taught by my father, ethics, and structure, perfectionism, (to a fault), and to always be trustworthy. My work was always completed on schedule. ALWAYS.
Let me add this too. My dad whom I loved and held in such high esteem, taught me those ethics. Back in the 50’s and after World War II, a man’s handshake while looking you straight in the eye was a contract. And you honored that contract with trust. We don’t see character, ethics, and trust anymore. My dad was an electronic engineer and a visionary. He had a booth at the NY Worlds Fair in 1939, the year I was born. I looked up to him so much. We had the first tv in 1948 in the State of NH. And for this Washington administration, my dad didn’t have it handed to him and was in an orphanage briefly, at 13 years old. His mom (my Paternal Grandmother) was also a single parent of 3 when my grandfather died of the 1918 flu epidemic. There was no Social Security then either. My dad worked his way through the University of New Hampshire, to become an electronic engineer. He didn’t have scholarships or anything then, but his own will and ambition to succeed. And succeed he did starting his own business, (without government help) in the mid 40’s. He was a success. But, I never EVER took what I was given for granted, because my roots were instilled in me. Life is not a handout! Whereby, I still worked at home with arthritic pain, doing inside sales for a young friend of mine for seven years til I was 65 even though on Social Security partially disabled. I would STILL work here if I could. I liked working and being self-sufficient, so I do not understand these young women, having one baby after another on welfare, while their boyfriends drink her welfare money away.
My mom’s parents came over from Germany in 1903, on a ship called the Kroonland from Belgium. My German maternal grandpa, like my Dad’s mother, worked in the mills then. My mother young, went home for lunch from school, ate, and took my grandfather’s hot lunch pail, across the bridge, and mill yard, EVERY day, and went back to school, in all kinds of weather, summer, winter , spring, fall. Her walk both ways was about 10 miles a day. Later when my grandfather got old and my grandmother died, my mom’s dad lived with us. My Dad footed the bills and helped take care of his mother, my aunts, and my mothers father…there was no Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid for a nursing home. Just as in the Bible…we are to take care of our parents, when they are old, and honor them. Today’s children are too selfish in their own busy tech world, to even make a phone call to see if your still alive.
So here I am in my mid 70’s with all this arthritic pain, I have learned to live with, and I know that God isn’t done with me yet. I have a hard time standing for long or walking good, but I can do on-line what HE wants me to do. I’m still trying to paint, but, that is coming very hard, as these canvasses are so heavy. There is something to be said for perseverance and tenacity bearing pain, as Apostle Paul suffered, so can I. Grace? God has given me so much grace and mercy, I could never thank Him enough.
Now, though at my age, I found the wisdom that God has given me, with all things in past and present that have come together for me to pass on to you the reader, and I leave the future to my Lord, until He takes me home. Everything you learn when your young, all leads to God using you in some way, if you have patience. As Tertulian said, “Patience IS hope with the lamp lit”. I hope you learn from this blog, I hope that you are blessed. May God’s light shine on you and give you hope in a troubled world and you learn to lean and depend on only one..Jesus. Whatever you do, don’t quit, and don’t allow anyone to put you down. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 I stood on that scripture for many, many years, through all I went through with a son who had bi-polar and eventually committed suicide at only 19 in 1999. Through all the convulsive tears and agony, for three years of mourning, I stood on that scripture, even through a mini stroke at the time. And I never even went to the hospital but trusted only one, God Almighty, my Jehovah, as I did with having had breast cancer too. If I can get through all I have in this life, so can you. JESUS is my husband, my father, my everything. I have no more cats now, so I talk to HIM in all things. “What are we doing Lord with this?” Or, “What would you have me do in that? Lord help me walk when my ankle goes out.” One of these days, I will have a new body in Christ Jesus, which ever comes first, the Rapture or my death in the natural. If I’m in pain now, I know that it isn’t forever. So, rely on your faith to emphasize the talents God has given you. My blessings with you who read this blog, for my God saves…and loves you, and if my son reads this, you have no idea how much HE loves and sheds tears for you my son. For you my son, I claim I Chronicles 4:9-11 over you, for like Jabez, I pray that the bondages be broken. I pray that a supernatural power of God will come upon you my son, and lift away all the pain, hurts, and addiction. Send your help God as I take the first steps of faith. I believe in miracles and by the blood at the Cross, bondages will be broken…break the chains oh Lord. (Matt.16:19, Eph. 5). For me, as Jabez too…Enlarge my coast God…Let me see in the supernatural, and use me Lord as your willing vessel. Are you washed in the blood of the lamb? It is the most important decision one can make.
My Cancer Action site:
My Dad & the NY 1939 World’s Fair: